Is this how happiness feels like?

I am drowning.

There are days when I feel otherwise; too heavy for this world to bear, too light for human attachments, forever floating near the precipice of No-Man’s-Land. But today, I am drowning. Today is one of those days when I am not accepted in my own city, when the demons who made my bed try to drive me away. When the waters of memories pull me in with all its might. Today, is one of those days when I do not try to swim back up to the surface but let the water take control.

Is this how happiness feels like? I had always imagined happiness to feel like floating in air. To be so detached from your body that you forget that happiness was within you all this time, you did not have to leave yourself and go in search for it. Flying, yes. Not drowning. Drowning was for grief. So, I shut my eyes. I do not let the waters get me; I do not want to know the purpose of these waters. Be it happiness or grief, I will not feel it if I do not know it.

Just as I was ready to hit the rock bottom, a hand pulls me in. a soft grip around my waist lugging me up, steadying me and coaxing me to open my eyes. “It is alright,” the voice said. What was alright? The grief or the happiness. If I was to be happy, why am I feeling sad? Was it alright to be happy?

Slowly, I opened my eyes. Fear obstructing my vision, curiosity obstructing fear. With blurred vision, I tried to make out where I was when something crossed me with a swift motion. A face looking back at me had eyes the color of autumn leaves struck with rays of the setting sun, hair swaying like they had their own life. He smiled that sweet smile. A smile that could make anyone fall in love with him in an instant; but I know that it’s a smile that he would show only to me, because his eyes spoke only to me. Yearning and screaming to me his… love?

He takes my hand and gestures around us. Hundreds of the most beautifully colored fishes surround us. Dancing in synchronized motion. Swirling us and making exquisite patterns in a crystal-clear water. The rays of sun cut the water making sparkles all around us making the fishes shine their brightest colors. I had never seen something so magical in my life. Maybe it was a magic my mind weaved to deceive me, but the man in front of me and the spectacle around me made it impossible to think it trick. My hand was in his still, he took it and ushered me forward. I did not know how to swim but I was swimming with him, the fishes at our feet. It was a journey I wished to never end. It was magic. It was love.