A Discarded Life

                                                              

The man walked with his back hunched and eyes squinting, struggling to pave his own path for himself; head protruding to the front, angled in an extremely uncomfortable position and with an inexplicably large gap between his legs trying to balance himself, as if his world had split open in the center and he was walking with his legs on each end of the world unable to leave either of them. 

                                                                  _ 

It was one of those cold and dry early mornings in the capital of India. Everything around was unclear, dense fog enveloped the city caging it within its strong walls. The city hadn’t woken up yet. Unexpectedly, even the birds seem to have forgotten to wake up and start their day. Amidst this deafening silence, the only sound that filled the air came from the soldier camp located at the near end of the city. 

Roaring orders, marching of strong, determined footsteps and with the energy of a tiger, the army officers carried out their daily drill of training. They moved with such sync and charisma that an extremely overwhelmed person would surely call them a pack of tiger- the pack that does not hunt, but protects. 

Among the training soldiers was a man, unlike any other person there. A man with an extraordinary personality and aura that pulls people around him like a magnet. He was young, tall, strong, and handsome with sharp features that attracted every living being. Short hair and perfect sideburns framed his face with big dark sparkling eyes. His skin was gleaming in the morning sun; pale, with a golden tint wherever the sun touched it. He walked with such confidence and pride knowing all too well the effect he had on people watching him. 

He was all a person would aspire to become. If that wasn’t all, he also had a perfect family- a lovely wife and three children who loved and looked up to him; to their best father.

With all this, a person is expected to live a like that of a fairytale. But it’s never the case with humans. We always crave more than what we already have; more than what life can actually provide. After all life has given us, instead of being thankful for it we try looking for more reasons to extend our happiness. Nothing ever satiates our desires. 

Desires. 

One word but a billion emotions. We can either gain everything or lose everything because of it. It either creates or destroys life. 

It was the last year of serving in the military. In the next few months, Jace was expected to retire as he was nearly 55 years of age. He had served enough; trained, obtained medals and appreciation, it was now time to go back home and live a life under the shelter of love. His children had grown up faster than he had expected. His eldest daughter was almost at the age of getting married. Jace always regretted how he couldn’t see his children grow up in front of him. The only time he saw them was when he took the yearly break which was usually a month long, but that was never enough. Even so, that did not mean he was not excited to go back to the military camp. Jace was a very passionate young man. He had the ability to do anything you assigned him, to utmost perfection with no prior training whatsoever. Be it an electrical problem or anything strenuous, he was at the front line, day and night.

Going back home should be the happiest feeling for a retired soldier. However, Jace felt everything but happiness. For him, after 20 years of living by himself however he wanted was what he was used to. After a year or so at home made him feel caged, like he wasn’t able to do what he wanted anymore. The responsibilities were too much for him. After his eldest daughter got married, he just couldn’t take it- this life that he could not run all by himself. His lovely wife was beginning to be a nuisance, his house an enormous aviary. For him, everyone else around led a much better life than his.

This led him to spend more time outside home. Home? Maybe it wasn’t that anymore, it was just a house. A residence where you were provided food to eat, a place to sleep and people to keep you company. Jace wanted much more. He wanted a life where he could control every part of it; where he didn’t have to live by responsibilities. He was old but his charisma hadn’t faded yet. He still attracted people, especially women. 

Soon he got himself involved in extra marital affairs. Cheating on his wife wasn’t as difficult as he had anticipated; he did it with such ease like he couldn’t remember the time when he only had eyes for one woman- one who made his heart turn into a million butterflies fluttering impatiently inside his chest. All the beauty he once saw in her weren’t there anymore. He was becoming distant and he enjoyed the time he could spend with numerous other women. Lies, debts, betrayals, all started to pile up and most interestingly with no room for a fragment of remorse. 

Five years passed by but the desires that had taken root inside Jace’s mind only grew, now with a dangerous intensity. Amidst this, Jace’s wife unfortunately fell into the clutches of cancer. She was weak and helpless; her beautiful dark skin lost all its glow, her eyes, which were once an emotional support for people around her were begging to be released of the incessant pain it was enduring. She needed her husband the most in this situation; his support, his warmth and the love that she missed so much in the past few years. Jace’s wife still loved him the way she used to love him so many years ago. She was always so grateful to be chosen by a person who was as charming and beautiful as him. In the thick of Jace’s endeavors, he might have lost the love he had for his wife, but she never once forgot how important he was for her. She never once questioned his absence whenever he was most needed; she just bit down at all the hurt and pain. But now, when she was afraid about her not surviving, she wanted him close to her, as close to her as possible. 

She struggled- day and night, her body fought for itself. She sat alone in the chemotherapy ward while every other patient around her was accompanied by their partners. Her body and heart were both dying at the same time. Every pain was multiplied a million times when she kept glancing at the door for someone in particular to walk through with a bright smile; but never saw them. She survived cancer after a year but that cost her, her love. It was enough, all this pretending to be okay and living with a person that came home once a week or sometimes after weeks. For once, she wanted to live for herself. 

When she finally confronted Jace, she couldn’t recognize the person she was talking to. The person that she once fell in love with, whose gentleness and charms had enticed her was far from whose eyes she beheld at the moment. This person had no emotions in his eyes; his face covered with a mask that she couldn’t see through. In that instant, she realized this person would not have felt a thing if she had died in his arms. 

That day Jace left his family behind, his love, his children and his home. He fed his desires and went in search for more; more of everything. 

Jace’s life had fallen apart the day he had left his family behind, he just didn’t realize it yet. Besides he thought he had never been happier. For him, playing with life was much more important than actually living it. A few months away from home and his perfect health started deteriorating. His perfect army physique was breaking down and giving up. His sparkling eyes lost its luster, wrinkles lining the edges of his eyes and mouth, heavy bags drooping from under it. The time when he needed family and people to look after him was when he didn’t have any. When he had left his family, he thought he will receive love from someone or something. He had given in to all the false pretenses of the people around him. Now, he went in search for even a pinch of love from the sham of people he was surrounded by, but all he got was rejections. 

Jace had everything a few months ago; an entire world in the palm of his hands. However, instead of holding it tight against his chest, he decided to let it go. He believed it was weighing him down. Jace’s life turned upside down the day he let his world break in front of him. He left warmth when the night was the coldest, left people when it he was the loneliest. 

It had been exactly 2 years since Jace had left his life behind and given in to his desires. Today 75 years old he stood in front of the bathroom mirror in the little lodging he had been living for the past few months. Jace made as little eye contact with the man that reflected back from the mirror. He hated the figure in front of him; hated how he was responsible for taking away everything he had. He hated who he had become. Jace brushed the little hair that covered his scalp, put on a worn out shirt and stepped out of the bathroom into his small room where a big suitcase packed with clothes and essentials was kept. It was time to change yet another city. This time he had decided to return to his hometown, the place he had left all those years ago but which still held a special room in his heart; a room he seldom went to.

Jace got off the train and struggled to find his way around. Not because the place had changed in any way or his memory had, it was just that his mind and his body had lost the co-ordination it once was so proud of. Just as he stepped out of the station, he noticed someone who seemed eerily familiar. He struggled to make out more of that person’s features, and when he did, little packets of happiness and tears filled his eyes. It was his wife, the woman he loved so much but yet torn out of his heart like a mere sheet of paper. 

Jace’s wife couldn’t believe what she was seeing. The person walking towards her was most definitely her husband but tears welled up in her eyes after seeing what he had become. The man walked with his back hunched and eyes squinting, struggling to pave his own path for himself; head protruding to the front- angled in an extremely uncomfortable position and with an inexplicably large gap between his legs- trying to balance himself, as if his world had split open in the center and he was walking with his leg on each end of the world unable to leave either of them.